Avoiding difficult conversations with loved ones about serious life-changing issues can lead to money loss and strained relationships between families, new research has found.
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The research, commissioned by life insurance company Insuranceline, found most Australians avoid difficult conversations with loved ones about money, health and serious illness, and estate and funeral planning.
But waiting until the last minute to deal with choices such as what sort of care to give a loved one, or what should happen in the event of death, only adds pressure on top of the intensity of loss, says independent psychologist Jacqui Manning.
"It's a highly unpredictable and physiological and emotional process to go through, and you're then having to cope with practical decisions on top of that," she said.
"It's a lot to ask a person to do, because when you're in a state of grief, your brain doesn't function with clarity."
The research surveyed a nationally representative sample of 1018 respondents aged 18-65 or older and found 96 per cent of people hold off having uncomfortable conversations, with one in four waiting two years and almost half (48 per cent) waiting more than six months.
Ms Manning, who worked with Insuranceline to review the research and provide solutions, said avoiding these conversations isn't beneficial.
People often avoid certain actions, decisions or discussions that could trigger a negative emotion out of concern for feelings of stress and anxiety in themselves or loved ones.
Although avoiding conversations about illness, death and the paperwork that goes with it can evade a painful conversation in the short term, it builds stress and anxiety, leading to more intense emotions when the situation must inevitably be dealt with, she said.
"I find it detrimental to people's health when they suppress too much," Ms Manning said. "If there's something going on that's upsetting, you're allowed to be upset."
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Close to half (46 per cent) of respondents admitted they're likely to be emotional and find it difficult to contain emotions in these moments, however three in four (75 per cent) said they would feel more comfortable engaging in uncomfortable or confronting conversations if they felt they had the right resources and support.
Insuranceline and Manning developed a guide of simple tools and techniques to get the difficult conversations started: How to talk about the heavy stuff: serious illness, death, and funeral planning.
- The 'Double P's': Plan and Prepare. Start by giving the other person a heads up that you want to make time to talk rather than springing the conversation on them, and try to frame the discussion in a positive or neutral light. Run through the scenario in your mind beforehand and you may benefit from writing down what you want to achieve out of the conversation and having a copy with you will help you both by keeping the conversation on track if any big emotions arise.
- Listen carefully: Understanding the view of the person you are talking to sensitively and with encouragement by taking a moment to step in their shoes can indicate you've heard and understood what they're saying.
- Be clear about what you want to achieve: Try to keep your language simple, clear, direct and neutral and with purpose. The calmer and more centered you are, the more in control you will feel when handling these conversations.
- End the conversation gracefully. Reflect on what's been spoken about, summarise the discussion and try to align on the best plan. Follow up on offers of support made throughout the conversation and express your willingness and desire to keep the conversation going later.